


How can I be enough - outtakes

by masterroadtripper



Series: Outshine the Morning Sun [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Disability, Alternate Universe - Foster Family, Brain Damage, Deaf Character, Disabled Character, Epilepsy, Flashbacks, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Injury Recovery, Misunderstandings, Multi, Panic Attacks, Paralysis, Past Child Abuse, Physical Disability, Recovery, Washingdad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-25 14:07:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22497334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterroadtripper/pseuds/masterroadtripper
Summary: Just a collection of chapters or segments that never managed to make it into the line-up of How can I be enough.Alexander Hamilton has fought against all odds to simply be able to walk again. The doctors said he may never be able to regain full use of his legs, but guess what? He did.Now he's fighting to hold his tongue to simply have a roof to live under until he can age out of the foster system. When he is sent to live with the Washington's, a foster home specializing in children with disabilities, he must try extra hard to make it work.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, George Washington/Martha Washington
Series: Outshine the Morning Sun [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1576183
Comments: 7
Kudos: 77





	1. The couch

**Author's Note:**

> Most of these are not going to be a full chapter by any means and may or may not start in the middle of a thought or sentence. Trigger warnings will still be listed here if they are needed.

But the couch. That was quite comfortable, he remembered. Maybe, if he took his book to the couch, he could read until he fell asleep. Hopefully, the Washingtons wouldn’t mind too much if they found him sleeping on their couch.

Alex woke the next morning, face to face with John. The curly-haired boy was standing over him, a crooked smile playing on his face. His hair was pulled back behind his head and he wasn’t wearing his earphones. He was wearing a hoodie over top of his pyjama shirt and his polka-dot flannel pants were wrinkled from sleep. It looked like he had just woken up.

“Hi?” Alex said, pushing himself up on his elbows. The movement made John step back about a foot, his smile not leaving his face.

“Why are you here?” John asked very slowly, shaping his words very carefully, each sound thought out beforehand. But, aside from the speed of his words, Alex wouldn’t have been able to guess that John was deaf, without knowing beforehand.

“Easier to sleep out here?” Alex said, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the couch.

“Wanna play Mario Kart?” John asked. Alex shrugged. He’d heard of the game, never played it, but he’d heard that it was fun.

“I guess so,” Alex replied. He’d never really been a fan of video games, they were all usually too easy for his tastes. But hey, it meant spending time with John, so he’d be willing to give it a try.

“I’m gonna set it up,” John said, going over to the television set and turning on the white box sitting beside a stack of DVDs. While John was occupied, Alex looked around and noticed that he could smell the coffee brewing. George was likely awake as well, though he hadn’t made an appearance in the movie room that Alex was aware of.

Alex was horrible at Mario Kart. Or, he would probably be better at it if he spent more time actually paying attention to the game and not watching John’s reactions to the game. But hey, his mistakes made John laugh, and that made Alex feel happy, so he figured that he’d not ask for clarification and just keep on crashing into walls and driving into things.

A couple of rounds later, Herc rolled into the sitting room, took one glance at the two of them playing video games and shook his head with a laugh.

“Its the ass crack of dawn and you’re already playing video games?” Herc signed and said.

John, taking his attention away from the television and put down his remote to sign something back to his brother. Alex wasn’t sure what he said, but it was something that made Herc laugh again.

The race was basically a lost cause after that, with Alex driving backwards and John having stopped to talk to Herc, so they turned off the television set and the game box and headed to the kitchen.

George was standing on a stool, reaching for something on top of the case that kept all the dishes. Herc let the way to the coffee machine before pouring a cup for himself, John and Alex. Taking it with a grin after getting balanced on one crutch, Alex held the mug close to his chest, the warmth spreading up his arm and through his chest.


	2. A memory

Jamie remembered the island fondly. Remembered the lush forests and the crumbling towns. As rough as island life had been, it was home. When he found out that Hurricane Maria had torn through Puerto Rico, Jamie had withdrawn from school and put his Army Reserves power to use. Calling himself up to serve, Jamie was on the next flight home.

The helicopter blades made waves on the flooded streets of San Juan as they landed. Their orders, search and rescue. Find as many injured as possible and if necessary, transport them to the nearest Red Cross field hospital.

Jamie was only fifteen minutes into his patrol when he heard screaming. It was high. It was a child. Radioing to the rest of his crewmates, they entered the barely standing shack. Before the hurricane hit, the establishment would have been sketchy at best. The corrugated metal roofing was rusted and the floor was linoleum over dirt. But with the advent of the storm surge and high winds, it barely resembled something that could have possibly housed people.

The screaming continued, though the voice was getting worn out, so Jamie yelled back, “US ARMY, we’re going to find you!”

Then the screaming stopped and Jamie feared that the person had perhaps passed out. But after another few seconds of frantic searching, the screaming came back at full volume. Good. If they were screaming, they were alive. Jamie wanted to keep it that way.

He saw the kid after rounding one last corner. It was a young boy, Hispanic, with a cut down one of his cheeks, but otherwise seemed fine.

“Hey kid, we’re gonna get you out,” Jamie said before altering the rest of his crew that he had found a kid.

“I’m stuck,” the boy shouted before trying to wiggle a little. He let out the most pained scream Jamie had ever heard before he stopped struggling again.

“Lemme see,” Jamie said, taking a look around the room as he moved closer to the boy. Judging by his size, the kid couldn’t have been more than ten. He was just so tiny.

That was when he saw them. Two bodies in the corner, one face down in the water. The mother and grandmother perhaps? Jamie was more focused on getting the very alive kid out of his entrapment than attending to two quite likely deceased people. That could be a job for some other people.

Turning his attention back to his young patient, Jamie noticed that some of the brick wall of the house had come down on his legs and was being pinned in place by a downed tree. Yeah, he was a little stuck. Starting to try to get some of the brick free, the young boy started screaming bloody murder again. They were going to have to wait for the medic to come with the narcotics before even trying to move the boy.

* * *

Helen had never seen a worse injury in the field. She’d seen car accidents, mass shootings, bomb detonations, but compared to this young boy’s legs, they were nothing.

The right side didn’t look like there was even any bone left in it. If there wasn’t the exposed knee cap, Helen wouldn’t have been able to guess where the knee was supposed to have been. The only thing completely - miraculously - intact was his ankle and foot. Aside from some surface scrapes and bruises, it looked like a normal foot. The left side largely resembled the right in terms of lack of structure, though it seemed like the chunks of bone were slightly larger. If Helen had to guess, the poor kid would definitely lose his right leg. The left, well that was probably salvageable.

Then his hips. From what she could tell, upon initial investigation, was that the right side of the hip had a break of some kind, though, with surgery, could be fixed. The elderly had surgeries to fix that kind of hip fracture on a regular basis. And lastly, his right wrist was swollen to about twice its normal size. In the field, his wrist was really the only thing Helen could fix. It was just a fracture, so she set it and splinted it, getting it ready for the field doctor to come take a look at.

But that Army guy, he hadn’t left the boy’s side since they had come in with him. The boy was as high as a kite upon arrival and had been calling the Army soldier “James” with such affection, she may have thought they were brothers, had they not looked so different.


	3. A pencil sharpener

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for sh

Alex knew it was bad, what he was doing. But did he really have any other choice? He’d already stolen the pencil sharpener from the loaner bin at school and lifted a dime off the counter when he was sure no one was looking. Then, he’d waited until his roommates were sound asleep before turning on his flashlight.

He would like to say that this was planned, but it really wasn’t. The sharpener was just sitting there and Alex’s animal brain thought, “sharp, pain, take it.” He didn’t know how he was going to take it apart and had thought about ways to find a screwdriver the entire way back to the group home. Then he saw the dime, with its edge just thin enough to fit in the groove of the screw holding the yellow pencil sharpener together. So he took it. Just grabbed it, right there and then without thinking.

Then he spent all afternoon thinking about his loot, sitting heavy in his pocket. How? When? Would it hurt? Would it not? Alex had no idea, but at this point, he needed to feel something. He was too numb to any emotion and had been for too long. This was his only solution, however temporary it may have been.

So here he was, sitting on his bunk with his flashlight on as dim as it could go, struggling to screw the screw out of its place. His finger slipped and got nicked on the blade of the sharpener. And it didn’t hurt. Alex screwed his eyes shut and stuck his finger in his mouth, tasting the blood as he cleaned his finger. Maybe his fingers had bad pain receptors? Maybe he was just so numb that pain didn’t even feel like anything anymore. Alex wouldn’t have been surprised. But he kept going, staining the blade and the dime red with the blood from his finger.

Until it finally came free.

Success.

Lifting it into the light, Alex rolled up his sleeve and pressed down.


	4. The rules

_Laf_

“Boys,” Mom said that evening over supper, combining spoken word and ASL for the first time in a little while. Laf knew that when they did that, a serious conversation was going to follow. He swallowed a little, his mind racing over all the things he hadn’t done in the past little while. _Chores? Done. Homework? Half is done, he would finish it tonight. Did someone leave the toilet seat in the bathroom up again? Quite likely._

“George and I were contacted by Mr. Samuel again a couple of days ago,” Mom continued. Laf tried not to drop his fork onto his plate of chicken dramatically, John dropped both items of his cutlery with a cringe-worthy crash. They were finally just getting fully settled as a family of five and now Mom and Dad were considering bringing in another kid?

“Another placement?” John asked silently, both his hands completely void of utensils and able to move freely. Laf looked from John to Mom and Dad, as if he was watching a tennis match on television.

“Correct John,” Dad answered this time, “It is an emergency placement and he will be arriving sometime tomorrow afternoon.”

“So you decided already?” John asked again. Laf could not understand why John was being so salty about this whole thing. Sure, Laf wasn’t exactly thrilled that they’d be spending their entire spring break getting to know a new brother - as it sounded - but it was just a fact. Besides, who was he to be complaining? He had a family. They loved him. Why couldn’t that be shared with another kid that obviously needed it too?

“Yes we did John,” Mom added, “because the kid needs a home and you three, well, you can always use a fourth musketeer.”

Laf snorted to himself. The three of them had become inseparable over the past year and a half that they’d been a group. Before that, had he and John not looked so different and been a year apart in age, people often remarked that they could have been twins. Maybe this fourth guy would be able to join them. There was no reason to not try.

* * *

_John_

It was odd to John, to have the final seat at the kitchen table filled. He knew that he had not been with the Washington’s for as long as Laf had. He was just some kind of charity case that they’d taken in to get their first son - their godson - a brother. But they’d proven he was wanted. Actually, truly wanted, for the first time. He was lucky, really, that his first placement in the system once he got out of the hospital was with the Washington’s. That he hadn’t gotten bounced around like Herc and Alex.

He was glad Alex had come to live with them. It meant a home. It meant stability. But he had no idea what was going through Alex’s head. Because he rarely spoke and when he did, he looked terrified. There must be more behind the small boy with the terribly long and tangled hair. There must be something going on inside his head other than the just blankness that his eyes showed. There had to be something else going on inside his head. There could not just be...nothing.

Walking down the hall the next morning, he saw George and Alex sitting at the kitchen table. They were both reading the newspaper, it appeared. George did that every day. John felt...glad? Proud? He didn’t know what he felt but he was just happy that Alex was expressing an interest in something.

* * *

_Herc_

“He’s shy,” Laf said that evening. The three of them were sitting on the couch, having just watched Alex walk down the hall to the room that would be his for the foreseeable future. He had been acting weird all supper, not making eye contact, barely picking through his food before promptly inhaling it. Alex was scared. There was no doubt about it. He was terrified. Herc saw that as clear as day. He wanted to run and never come back, no mind that he probably couldn’t.

“Yeah, no shit Sherlock,” John replied. Herc snorted a little. He wondered if Alex knew any sign language. Alex seemed smart, likely spoke another language, other than English, just based solely on his accent, and he wouldn’t doubt if Alex knew sign language. So if they were going to talk about him behind his back in sign language, they would have to do it carefully until they had confirmation one way or another.

“He’s terrified of us,” Laf added.

“No fucking shit,” Herc replied this time, “have you seen him? He’s tiny. Anyone of us could squash him without breaking a sweat. He sees that. He knows that.”

“Well I can’t exactly grow back down,” Laf said with a smile.

“No, but we can prove that we’re not going to hurt him. Ever,” John suggested.

“Now how are we going to prove that to him,” Herc asked, “He’s obviously not had an easy ride at life up till now. Did you see how he looked at George?”

“Like he was going to beat him into the ground and out the other side,” John said.

“John,” Laf said, his face looking scolding, “he did not look like that.”

“He kind of did,” Herc confirmed, “so lets make some rules...or something...on how to behave around him. So we’re consistent and don’t freak him out.”

“Okay, I think that's a decent idea, but how do we start?” John asked.

“Don’t touch him...ever, no matter why,” Laf suggested. Herc agreed with a nod.

“Don’t raise your voice if you’re speaking out loud to him,” Herc added.

“Don’t give purely critique. If you have to suggest he does something different, do it with as much softener as possible,” John finished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggested by PuppyLover4. 
> 
> Happy (belated) Valentines Day everyone, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth entirely, I promise :)


	5. The beach

“C’mon Alex, hurry up!” he heard James yell from the hallway.

Tugging up his swim trunks and pulling on a shirt, Alex threw the door to his bedroom open. They were going down to the beach one last time before the hurricane hit. People said that it wasn’t going to be that bad this time. They were probably just going to get the aftershocks and the winds from it. But that didn’t mean that the beaches wouldn’t be closed. So they wanted to go down before getting cooped up inside.

“Fine, I’m ready, lets go,” Alex replied, laughing and running after his older brother.

Jostling each other all the way down to the beach, they kicked off their flip flops as soon as they reached the sand before taking off towards the surf. The flag on the lifeguard hut was flying yellow, but the flags were still up on the beach, so they were still good to go.

Running into the cold water, neither stopped until they were deep enough that they couldn’t touch and started splashing and dunking each other. The waves pummeled them a little and their hair got filled with sand. Their laughter was contagious. Their last day of fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short, but just a little extra tidbit I thought about once I finished the last chapter. 
> 
> These outtakes have no upload schedule, so by random, I really do mean random. I could get two chapters out one day and disappear for weeks. I'm sorry if this makes it hard to follow along with, but university is very hard this semester, so I write when I get the chance.

**Author's Note:**

> Requests are welcome. Something you wish you could have seen in How can I be enough? Just comment down below and I'll see what I can do to add it in, even if its a short little chapter.


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